Journals56
Newest
October
2 min read
Where have the year gone?! Or rather... yearS!
There has been so many changes to DeviantArt. I could barely recognize this place!
Not much has been happening in my life... and yet so many things have happened. I survived most part of University, and I'll be starting my final year next week.
To be honest, I'm terrified.
I've spent almost 20 years in 'school'. In perhaps, one more year, I'll be taking my first step into the working world where I shall work until my body can work no more before retreating to a life of retirement and wait to die.
I'm sure we all wake up to something on a daily basis. My parents for instance, wake up to go to work because they need the money to pay for their children's ridiculous tuition fees; I wake up to get my license to work so my parents hard earn cash will not go to waste. Others might wake up to a kiss on the lips, or to the excitement of a brand new day. But there are those who have nothing, no job to fullfill, no lover to hold, no meaning to exist, and I wonder what do they wake up to. Regret? Self-hate or hate to the rest of world? ...Emptiness? Those people must be so extremely lonely, that getting out of bed itself must take a huge effort!
I've watched people around me turn a dull shade of grey, and I'm wondering if I'll one day end up as one of the zombies society have carved us to be with their educational demands to fulfill what the majority wants. I don't want to be one among the billions of people that walk this earth. To put it simply, I want to be me.
Because very soon, I'll be taking my first step into the working world where I shall work until my body can work no more before retreating to a life of retirement and wait to die. And when I've gotten to that point of life, I hope to be able to say that I'm happy to have been alive.
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married!! finally!
1 min read
...unfortunately the bride turns out to be my career. OTL
Happy April Fools everyone
Happy April Fools everyone
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let's talk feelings
5 min read
Have you ever laid on your bed at night and wonder what is the absolute worst kind of feeling to experience?
Not in the sense of physical hurt or injury, but a deeper and more mentally taxing one.
To me I'd say it's the lost of someone. Which brings us to the subtopic of... "what sort of lost".
There comes a time in everyone's journey through life, where they find someone special. Romantics might refer to them as their "lover", while most people call them their "soul mate".
I've always been an introvert my whole life. I am not a shut-in, and I do believe that I have a rather generous amount of people who I can regard as friends. I just prefer to spend time doing productive things like reading and writing and watching a good home-movie and exploring nature's wilderness that sadly, doesn't quite fit in the usual cliche party group that facebooks about their every night-outs.
You could say that I enjoyed being with my own company though it was a little lonely. And when someone did turn up and wandered a little too deep into my personal space, I begin to accept this unexpected company and grew rather fond of that person. For the first time in my life there was someone who like me enough to spend, possibly what they will later tell their friends as 'one of the most boring afternoon in the history of their very existence' or 'the neverending hiking trail of doom with giant centipedes oh the things i do for fuck's sake lord save my soul' with me.
However, like every shoujo manga, there tend to be a chapter where things just simply don't work out due to insecurities, secrets, too many white-lies and a clash of opinions. For a moment the very person whose flaws you accepted with all your heart looks so imperfect in so many ways and it was because you had looked past all those flaws to begin with. The pang of betrayal of how someone who once thought of you as their world could suddenly be so cold is so cruel to bear. And the reality that perhaps "they just didn't care" becomes so difficult to take in, that your mind gets so filled with anger and hate and regret, you don't know who else to turn to, or what to do, but wait for time to fill the void that was once whole.
Thankfully for my case, things eventually got sorted out and I now refer to that very horrible event as "the very horrible event in the history of my very existence to date".
Then there's the second kind of "lost", which I think, is the worst of all.
"I lost a friend" usually implies that you got into a fight a friend due to misunderstandings or disagreements, and well, now you guys aren't friends anymore and it hurts and you feel sad. But that's not the "lost" I'm talking about.
What I mean is more along the line of "my friend died", and no matter how many times i apologize or call out to them, there will be no answer. This sort of lost is forever. Gone would be a more appropriate term because, no matter where you search or how long, you will never find that person. You will never see that person again . There is no "maybe". You'll just... never see that person again.
My grandmother was ill for the longest time. She had been ill for so long that I kind of thought "oh she's ill, she's been ill long before i was born, she's always ill" and didn't heed much to it.
When she finally passed, I didn't know what to think. I thought well i'd miss her, and at the same time I realized that I didn't know what I'd miss. I wasn't as close to my grandmother as my other cousins were. I didn't know what sort of food she liked, what her favorite colour was and what kind of person she was. Memories of my time spent taking care of my grandmother in the hospital was just scrolling through tumblr while she slept and helping her eat when she was awake. And now she's gone and I'll never see her again.
Time is a scary thing. For every passing second, it takes a little of whatever guilt and remorse formed from the bond that attaches us to one another, away. Whatever sadness and misery we experience goes away with time. Time heals all, even if it takes us further and further away from the ones we've lost. It leaves nothing behind but a black hole in the galaxy where each gravitational bound star represents each bond we have for another person, even if said person come from an entirely different universe.
Some nights we look into the darkness, and on other nights,
it is that darkness that helps us appreciate the twinkle of the stars.
Not in the sense of physical hurt or injury, but a deeper and more mentally taxing one.
To me I'd say it's the lost of someone. Which brings us to the subtopic of... "what sort of lost".
There comes a time in everyone's journey through life, where they find someone special. Romantics might refer to them as their "lover", while most people call them their "soul mate".
I've always been an introvert my whole life. I am not a shut-in, and I do believe that I have a rather generous amount of people who I can regard as friends. I just prefer to spend time doing productive things like reading and writing and watching a good home-movie and exploring nature's wilderness that sadly, doesn't quite fit in the usual cliche party group that facebooks about their every night-outs.
You could say that I enjoyed being with my own company though it was a little lonely. And when someone did turn up and wandered a little too deep into my personal space, I begin to accept this unexpected company and grew rather fond of that person. For the first time in my life there was someone who like me enough to spend, possibly what they will later tell their friends as 'one of the most boring afternoon in the history of their very existence' or 'the neverending hiking trail of doom with giant centipedes oh the things i do for fuck's sake lord save my soul' with me.
However, like every shoujo manga, there tend to be a chapter where things just simply don't work out due to insecurities, secrets, too many white-lies and a clash of opinions. For a moment the very person whose flaws you accepted with all your heart looks so imperfect in so many ways and it was because you had looked past all those flaws to begin with. The pang of betrayal of how someone who once thought of you as their world could suddenly be so cold is so cruel to bear. And the reality that perhaps "they just didn't care" becomes so difficult to take in, that your mind gets so filled with anger and hate and regret, you don't know who else to turn to, or what to do, but wait for time to fill the void that was once whole.
Thankfully for my case, things eventually got sorted out and I now refer to that very horrible event as "the very horrible event in the history of my very existence to date".
Then there's the second kind of "lost", which I think, is the worst of all.
"I lost a friend" usually implies that you got into a fight a friend due to misunderstandings or disagreements, and well, now you guys aren't friends anymore and it hurts and you feel sad. But that's not the "lost" I'm talking about.
What I mean is more along the line of "my friend died", and no matter how many times i apologize or call out to them, there will be no answer. This sort of lost is forever. Gone would be a more appropriate term because, no matter where you search or how long, you will never find that person. You will never see that person again . There is no "maybe". You'll just... never see that person again.
My grandmother was ill for the longest time. She had been ill for so long that I kind of thought "oh she's ill, she's been ill long before i was born, she's always ill" and didn't heed much to it.
When she finally passed, I didn't know what to think. I thought well i'd miss her, and at the same time I realized that I didn't know what I'd miss. I wasn't as close to my grandmother as my other cousins were. I didn't know what sort of food she liked, what her favorite colour was and what kind of person she was. Memories of my time spent taking care of my grandmother in the hospital was just scrolling through tumblr while she slept and helping her eat when she was awake. And now she's gone and I'll never see her again.
Time is a scary thing. For every passing second, it takes a little of whatever guilt and remorse formed from the bond that attaches us to one another, away. Whatever sadness and misery we experience goes away with time. Time heals all, even if it takes us further and further away from the ones we've lost. It leaves nothing behind but a black hole in the galaxy where each gravitational bound star represents each bond we have for another person, even if said person come from an entirely different universe.
Some nights we look into the darkness, and on other nights,
it is that darkness that helps us appreciate the twinkle of the stars.
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Devious Journal Entry
1 min read
I came home to my old room after an eventful day at ComicFiesta2012. It's been 2 years since I last participated. I was only there for a brief moment on day1 stalking my favourite artists and idols. I'm afraid i was too shy to say hello to most of them, but my heart fluttered and i almost puked out of happiness whenever they smiled as i passed by.
On day2 I (sort of) helped out at digitalcoo booth and gave out free sketches to random people lol. I met so many young and energetic artists there! (their hyperactiveness is rather contagious).
Anyways, have anyone read One Punch Man? It's drawn by the same artist that drew Eyeshield21. I find it hilariously entertaining. I find Genos' character very similar to my own. It's like I really want to improve and be as good as those around me, but it's as if i'm so far behind everyone else and I don't know what to do.
On day2 I (sort of) helped out at digitalcoo booth and gave out free sketches to random people lol. I met so many young and energetic artists there! (their hyperactiveness is rather contagious).
Anyways, have anyone read One Punch Man? It's drawn by the same artist that drew Eyeshield21. I find it hilariously entertaining. I find Genos' character very similar to my own. It's like I really want to improve and be as good as those around me, but it's as if i'm so far behind everyone else and I don't know what to do.
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Loose Ends
1 min read
perhaps it is my personality, my nature or character of sorts,
that i've always felt like I've never been able to hold on to any 'close' friends in real life.
but this isn't a journal on loneliness and self pity.
I took a stroll last night in the city, where the sights and sounds were magnificent and the people dressed glamorously.
Then I looked up at the skies to see the crescent moon and stars that laid thousands and millions of lightyears away.
They were the same skies I'd see in my childhood back in the country side.
Life is not so different as it was back then, and yet, it feels so different in so many ways.
I'm always going to appear deep in thoughts to others, when in reality, i'm just empty.
I took a step back and 2 more forward.
Because there is nowhere else to go but to go on.
that i've always felt like I've never been able to hold on to any 'close' friends in real life.
but this isn't a journal on loneliness and self pity.
I took a stroll last night in the city, where the sights and sounds were magnificent and the people dressed glamorously.
Then I looked up at the skies to see the crescent moon and stars that laid thousands and millions of lightyears away.
They were the same skies I'd see in my childhood back in the country side.
Life is not so different as it was back then, and yet, it feels so different in so many ways.
I'm always going to appear deep in thoughts to others, when in reality, i'm just empty.
I took a step back and 2 more forward.
Because there is nowhere else to go but to go on.
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